I’m still digging

This marks my one-year anniversary.

It’s been just about one year since I mysored for the first time with my teacher, David Garrigues.

One year since I left the practice room, pissed off – and ready to drive home after being called out, busted on and worked over.   He had just met me but wasted no time getting down to business.  In ninety minutes, I learned to hate the sound of my name.

Later in the day, I made a choice.  And I went back.

I actually questioned everything he told me to do but for whatever reason, I chose to follow every damn piece of direction he gave me – if only to prove I could.  Apparently unaware of the big ol’ chip I was carrying, he seemed pleased.

Fast forward one year later, and I don’t think anyone can deny – my practice changed.  Actually, a lot has changed.  It’s pretty remarkable and I look back and am grateful I didn’t leave that day.

But trust is hard for me.  Commitment can often be even harder.  I have lots of questions and doubt, a constant companion.

So yesterday, the almost anniversary of my first OBX David Garrigues experience it was not his voice I heard busting on me – it was my own.  I went through my practice feeling painfully unworthy of each next pose, with the previous not quite mastered.

I left the room and I questioned myself.  And I questioned my teacher … literally.  I let him know how I was feeling and wondered aloud, was I a fraud?

“It’s a trust thing.  And THAT is a choice.”

And all of a sudden, I realized it wasn’t just myself I had doubted, but in doing so, my teacher as well.

Lets face it, if you know David – he’s not exactly mainstream.  An ex-punk rocker, in board shorts and a tank who often rides his skateboard to class, to say he’s eccentric is truly an understatement.

david garrigues

He’s also pretty unconventional as a teacher.  Truth is, David is pretty generous with the props and postures – and yet, still not nearly as generous as he is with himself.  So we sat and we talked …

“It causes dissonance when a teacher challenges you – in postures and in belief systems.  Students can switch teachers and seek outside help when they find themselves doubting or questioning – but this only encourages the escape factor.”

Aaaaah, the escape factor.  I know this one well.  I’m pretty adept at it on the mat and off.  And this faith thing is hard for me.  More than any advanced series posture, I struggle with this many times more.

David challenges me often.  From that first day – until this day.  And because of this, I have angst.  So it comes down to a trust thing, and I imagine it will again and again for me.  And actually, that’s a pretty important part of my growth.  Way more important that Eka Pada Bakasana, that’s for sure.

Today, I feel pretty grateful to have someone just as willing to help me on my mat as off.  Because it’s not about me – it’s about us:

“The relationship is key. I’m not the master dispensing the wisdom.  We are discovering it together.”

 

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